Friday, October 9, 2009

5 Things I Should Not have Eaten

Mystery Sphere Pastry
When I was very young I ate a donut hole type pastry that contained nuts. I was a picky eater and thankfully those times have passed (I virtually eat anything now that I don't object morally to), but back in the day in my youth, I hated many things from tastes, to consistencies, to just downright textures. What I remember from this night was my parents having a get together at our house. My brother and I were banished to the second floor to take care of ourselves and keep quite during these events, and for some reason I came strolling down the stairs to see what my parents were up to. A crowd gathered in the dining room and a long table held bowls and bowls of desserts. And boy, did they look good. I grabbed a sugary sphere and ate it. And that is what my memory kept from the night. To what my parents tell me is that they stupidly told me to try the pastry, knowing it has nuts and "wierd" things in it. I took a bite and threw up. I was probably 4. Not my fault.

Gefilte Fish
When I was in high school I joined a BBYO Jewish Youth Group Chapter. (Bereshis - the same chapter that Gene Wilder belonged to in his youth in Milwaukee). Anyways - we had a dinner at a Rabbi's house. There were 8 of us, I'd say, along with our advisers. It was going well and we were brought our first dish. It looked delicious! A piece of toasted bread with yummy salsa/tomato sauce atop. MMMMmmmmm. It looked good. It sat on our plates, staring at us. Knowing very little about Jewish customs or anything Jewish in general, I waited for the others at the table to act first, seeing how they were brought up as actual Jews, not a secular Jew like I did. It was time to eat the bread! I cut a large piece with my fork and took a big bite. INSTANTLY I knew something was wrong. Something... awful. Something... terrible. I was gagging and hid it as far as I could. It was the most repulsive thing I could ever imagine - and to think i shoved a large fork-full into my mouth and swallowed a little bit. I was already thinking how lucky I was that I didn't throw up everywhere. I looked over at my friend Andy, whose plate was untouched. He looked at me and smiled. What the FUCK did I just eat? "Hmmmm if anyone doesn't want their fish I'll have it," I heard one of my chapter members say. My GOD! Fish!? BREAD!? The the hell was I thinking? If i have to cut a piece of bread with a FORK - why would I continue to think it was bread. I tried another small swallow. No dice. I gagged again. This was a no go. I had to spit this out. And spit it out I did. Into my cloth dinner napkin. The taste was still in my mouth for quite some time. So disgusting. When the meal was over, I had to unwrap my napkin carefully to make it seem like I wasn't wrapping disgusting food in it for the Rabbi's wig-wearing wife, who did all the cooking and cleaning. (Why?). Wow. What a lesson I learned that night. First, don't be so stupid to eat something you obviously are too stupid to know what it is and two - be careful when you stuff your mouth with unknown objects.

Laffy Taffy (the whole thing)
Laffy taffy was first introduced in the 70s, but they sort of re-branded in the late 80s and I seized the day! My family was on vacation in the Colorado rockies and thankfully, since we were doing a lot of site seeing, my parents tended to give in to my requests to shut me up while we did "boring" things. (Yes, I appreciate them now. Very much). One of these requests was a super-large bar of laffy taffy. My God is was delicious. I remember to this day. I sucked on that thing for hours, or so it seemed. Eventually, I started to feel a little sick. Crazy, right? Maybe I shouldn't have been eating sugar for so many hours on end. (Maybe another fault of the parental units?) We reached our destination in our rented jeep and took a hike to explore the lay of the land. I really wasn't feeling well. And that's when it happened. I threw up. Threw up within 50 feet of the continental divide. Very poetic, I must say.

Tootsie Roll
My mother is allergic to everything under the sun. Thankfully, I received my Dad's genes where the only flaw is migraine headaches. When I was younger though, the Docs thought I was allergic to things too. Therefore, I was allergic to milk. I can't believe it this to this day. If I had a milk-less childhood, I might me in a crazy-ward right now. I grew up eating mac and cheese. It made me who I am. I don't remember if it was a post-Halloween or what reason I had some candy, but I wanted to eat a Tootsie roll - something I was not familiar with. It looked really good. I was probably 5 or 6 at the time and my Dad read me the ingredients and let me know it had dairy in it. "No, I'm sorry you can't eat this." I was pissed. CANDY!? I CANT EAT THIS!? He left, I picked it up and quickly ate it. It was good.

Natural Spring Water
Back in the Colorado Rockies, this time in Steamboat, Colorado, I was on a spring break skiing trip in high school. It was with a ski group called SnowStar and my friend and I took this trip with the group, straying in a condo-hotel with a few other kids and an instructor. This instructor came back one day with bottles of self-filled water. He was so fascinated with the water, as he told us. Natural Spring water with all sorts of nutrients. I don't remember really, I probably never paid attention in the first place. He told us to try it. We each grabbed a bottle and opened it up. ASS. It smelled bad. Sulfer, ass, you name it - it didn't matter, it was bad. He assured us it wassn't as bad as it smelled and it was a must try - the locals drink it and it was good for your bones and health. I took a sip. Just about as horrible as the smell. He had a good laugh.

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